Wow

Yeah. Wow. . .

Why You Should Never Believe Anything A Human Tells You

The human showed me a photograph today. She shoved it in my face after she'd blown her stack, as she put it, ONE FREAKIN' TIME TOO MANY! (I'm not sure why she got so mad, since I didn't intentionally break one of her precious figurines--it was a dog, for pete's sake--nor did I intentionally drag a very small piece of poopy into the family room. I certainly didn't know it had stuck to my rear end, for god's sake, and when she stepped on it, she WAS wearing flip-flops. Jeez.)

So she was yelling and screaming as she stomped into her office but after she'd been there awhile I heard her chuckling and I figured she'd calmed down and got over it. A bit later, she comes out and says, "See this? I took it yesterday in Pearl River. And don't think they wouldn't take you because you're old and stringy. Mr. McCroc said marinating old cats in Worcestershire sauce softens them right up."

OH MY GOD!! I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT! I could not BELIEVE this woman who says she loves "her babies" would even consider turning one of us into a catburger! Click on the photo to read the horrendous menu.

Then just when I thought I might actually have to start being nice to everyone in order to avoid being turned into a menu item, Boo walks up and says, "By the way Poonie, that sign? Before she doctored it up on the computer, it was a sign for a yard sale. Ha ha."

My usual "Death To Humans" really just doesn't begin to express how I feel right now . . .

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Of All The NERVE!

I think everyone would agree that any cat who has (#1) his own blog, and (#2) a rabid following in Nebraska, well, that cat must be pretty darn special, right? But noooooooo--it appears that there is a communal blog for BLACK CATS ONLY and it was actually suggested that Boo (yes, Boo) hook up with what I will now refer to as "his own kind." I mean, look at him. He sits in the sink, for pete's sake. And you know WHY he sits in the sink? Pathetically, in the hope that the human will come by and turn on the faucet ever so slightly so he can play with the droplets. Yes, I realize that it sounds pretty stupid but he LIVES for this!
Apparently no one at the black cat blog does any vetting prior to inclusion. If it were ME, I'd be out there interviewing housemates and humans to get the really dirty stuff heh heh heh. But then there'd be the problem of spreading the truth via the news outlets since we all know the media is totally human-centric (except of course when an animal does something rediculous like ride a surfboard or get stuck in a drainpipe). The one exception is the obviously animal friendly FOX News--how could they not be with a commentator named Karl ROVER?!

BTW, Animal Planet doesn't count due to the fact that their number one show is The Dog Whisperer and the only time you see a cat on that show is when some out-of-control dog is trying to kill it and all Cesar does is go "Chuh! Chuh!" and then says to the totally obsequious owners, "Chew see, he ees alrady unly biting thuh cat, not keeling eet." So then they go "Oooooo, you are wonderful, Mr. Milan" and the show ends, leaving the cat to lie there and go, "Hey, what about ME? I'm bleeding to death here!"

Well, yes, I do tend to get carried away when I've been slighted. However, I will not give in to hurt feelings--I've already demanded that the human find either a Mean Cat blog or an Active Senior Cat blog, where I will surely gain more admirers once they realize that I AM . . . . The Most Wonderful Cat In The World!

Cee-A-Tee Photography

Just to let you know: most cats won't sit still long enough to have their picture taken. Note that I said MOST--as you know, I'm more than happy to let the human snap away. Just one of many reasons why I'm The Most Wonderful Cat in the World.

Here is Boo jumping off the washing machine while the human is yelling, "Dammit Boo, stay still so I can take your picture."

(BTW, in real life our names do not include obscenities, i.e., Dammit Boo, F**k You Poonie, or G.D. It Boogie, although it would seem so considering we're referred to this way much of the time and usually in a very loud and quite unseemly manner).

Now we're getting closer but Squashy Face still refuses to acquiesce. I rather like the bouncing eyeball effect.

Success at last! You almost can't see the human's left hand gripping his neck in what is called a "stranglehold." I almost felt sorry for the little guy.
(Oh, I just crack myself up when I say stuff like that).

This is Boo saying, "Hey, I can look distinguished just like you, Poonie." Oh, c'mon, you moron--how distinguished can ANYONE look with a herd of plastic horses arranged behind you, hmmmm? He obviously forgot Rule #17--Never flop down in front of toys while she has a camera in her hand.

Finally, an amazingly good photo--he's still, he looks halfway intelligent, his eyes aren't bugging out of his head . . .

OK, enough of this Boo business. This is how THE MASTER does it, boys and girls, cats and kittens, dee-oh-gees and pee-uppies. It just doesn't get any better than this:

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Geese Behind Bars

Rita and Freida have been banned from our yard! The human keeps telling the neighbor that we don't mind them coming over to see us (even with all the pooping in the garage) since he spends the day away at his Angus operation and the wife works as a public health nurse but he's a firm believer in the saying, "Good fences make good neighbors" and that means keeping his animals on HIS side of the good fence. So the poor geesies are alone most of the day and whenever they hear ANY noise from our side (i.e., talking, barking, car door slamming, ants scurrying--like I said, ANY noise), they start honking up a storm and race over to the fence to say hello. Then they start trying to figure out how to get under the fence but the neighbor has unfortunately plugged all the holes. So then the "sad" honking starts. The human gets affected by all this sadness and that translates to being in a bad mood and THAT translates into her ignoring me sitting patiently by my food dish. Today she actually said, "Look Poonie--you've got it better than any of the other animals around here, so quit bugging me about the food all the time!" Can you imagine?! Feeling sorry for a stupid goose?! Mark my word, the next time she puts her hand down to pet my head, whammo! I WILL bite the hand that (hardly ever, as far as I'm concerned) feeds me!